i dont think i've cried this much in a few days.
oh gosh, i'm so tired of it...
15 May.
Our MOB project had problems because apparently, we had misunderstood the instructions..
UGH UGH UGH.
16 May.
I lost my ez-link card.
god i almost died that day.
i
my mum still reminded me about my card.
i did remember about it.
except the train at jurong was so fucking crowded who knew where it dropped...
usually i dont cry in front of people.
but that day, i just lost it.
i dont sob, but i just teared.
and i hate it because once it starts, it doesnt stop.
i tried so damn hard to hold it in at school.
but i couldnt help snapping at people.
so sorry guys.
i didnt bring my econs notes.
that one, nevermind.
i was okay until i headed to ang mo kio.
so i went to queue up for that thing.
okay.
cant use nets.
okay.
goes to posb bank near cheers.
fuck.
can only draw 50. i only have 40+ left.
so i asked around if there's any other atm i can draw from.
so i went to dbs.
fuck.
min withdrawal $200.
that did it.
i just broke.
i started tearing as i called my mum.
i just couldnt calm down.
so i called my mum, but it'd take her some time.
i was so kanchiong because it was 5+ and the counter closes at 6pm.
and she done all the stuff for me alr.
so i felt that i had to pay that day.
so okay. i sat outside dbs to wait for my mum.
then i remembered i could try another posb which was slighty further, in case my mum couldnt make it.
so i walked.
when i reached there..
fuck. WHERE IS MY ATM CARD.
this time i called my dad.
and i cried harder.
so many people but i just cried.
then i ran back to dbs.
i asked the person, have you seen any atm card out here?
he shook his head.
i went to sit outside dbs and continued tearing like mad.
then the security guard inside motioned for me to walk in.
he said, can i have your ic? someone passed an atm card to us, so we need your ic to verify it.
so i passed my ic to them shakily.
it felt like forever as the lady checked if it was my card.
THANK GOD IT WAS.
i relaxed a bit and then i just stayed put for fear of any other thing going missing.
my mum came and we went to pay for the thing.
i was relieved but my chest didnt relax.
instead i felt burdened.
more, if not gone.
i know this is my fault.
we already have financial problems.
WHY THE FUCK DID I LOST MY EZLINK CARD
AND THE FACT THAT I HAVE CONCESSION INSIDE
hais.
thank god i can claim it.
but i'd have to keep topping up anyway.
the biggest thing troubling me is how am i gonna survive?
apparently, i'm more worried than my parents.
but really it's my way of showing that i know i was wrong and i dont want to add to it because i need to eat so much.
but i dont know.
just thinking about it makes me shrink.
i'm just so worried.
what with Bigbang coming to singapore soon.
i really really want to go but i dont dare to say it..
i mean, i dont even know how to start saving when i have so little left in my bank?
i dont want to trouble my parents.
AH FUCK THIS WHY AM I SUCH A LET DOWN
WHY AM I SO CARELESS
WHY WHY WHY
and then there's today.
20May.
i accidentally rebutted my dad.
and i regret it.
i really do.
but us being so similar, i can't bring myself to apologise even though it's the right thing to do.
i dont know
the only thing i can think of is to cry right now
i am so weak
suhailah said that maybe, god is testing me?
yes, He is.
but i dont know, i feel that i'm falling apart.
i'm with people, but i'm lonely.
when i'm alone it's worse.
i try to preoccupy myself, but lately..
it doesnt work.
and the exams are in 2 weeks.
i dont know what to do.
i really dont.
i'm really so useless.
more often than not, i feel like a burden to my parents.
instead of helping them, i am a burden.
i cant work, because my timetable doesn't allow me to.
yet i end up spending it on food.
oh god.
it's worse if i'm the cause for my parents to quarrel.
what's more, there's my grandmother in the picture.
it was already amazing enough how i had managed to pull off o levels last year.
i dont even know how much more is gonna come my way.
i guess this is why i'm having chest pains lately?
hais.
i can only confide in writing songs, but my lyrics are really rubbish.
and after today, my dad doesnt want to look for me anymore.
he said, even if there's any other music related stuff, i wont look for you anymore.
my heart stopped at that moment.
it was as if someone had just stabbed me.
i couldnt breathe.
i know it's my fault for giving him attitude.
because, regarding music, we both have different preferances.
nonetheless, hearing that was painful.
yet, who else do i have to blame?
i need to be a better daughter.
i'm gonna try harder.
Ya Allah, please give me the strength to last through the future days ahead.
Please guide me away from things I shouldn't be doing.
I dont want to do anymore wrong than I already have.
Amin.
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