too much

Annyeong yeoreobun!

I shall update properly today!
So far it's been songs and I've been keeping too much inside me.

But first and foremost,
Happy Valentines Day! ^^

 

 

 

 

I hope you feel the love hehe.

So anyway.
Back to topic.
Yesterday, I was having a H2H talk with a friend.
And I ended up talking about the past.
... Again.
The feelings that I tried so hard to chuck one side for the past year just came back so easily.
Maybe I am not that strong at all..?
I don't know.
I won't lie, he creeps into my mind now and then.
The worst part is, I can't keep him out at all.
Whenever I think about it, it just hurts so much.
It hurts so much that it stuns me to silence.
So I poured my heart out to this friend yesterday, something I haven't done in quite awhile.
Starting from the beginning.
It's so easy to remember the good, but the same applies to the worst..
나는 진짜 바보 니까..

Sometimes, I'd read back my old posts..
Something stupid I guess.
I guess you can call me a sadist, because I'd relieve the moment.
Good or bad.
2009 was really my turning year.
People who know me now would probably think that I'm sarcastic, mean, cold and even unfeeling.
But people who have known me beforehand would be able to tell that I had a 360 change.
I used to be meek, really really cheerful and all.
I guess, if you read my older posts, you'd be able to tell how I used to be.
I'll say this: I'll probably never be able to forget him.
Until the one comes along I guess.
Because honestly, whenever people ask me, "Nina, what's your story?" these days, the first person I thought of was him.
For someone who gave me so much to remember, he gave me much pain as well.
Too much, in fact.

I remember confidently saying that I was over him then.
Of course, what a liar I was.
My best friends would say that they believe me, but I know that they don't.
I guess you can say that I was too much of an open book.
Nonetheless, I still tried to hide my feelings.
As obvious as it was, the only person I managed to hide from was him.
Maybe also because he was the one who doesn't know or as I'd like to think, the one who pretended he doesn't know.

The songs that I listen to these days don't help too...
I was a sentimental person to begin with.
As unbelievable as it can be, yes, I actually cry easily.
Lyrics, the singer's voice tone and the memories.
Yes, even the singer's tone affects me.
Voices like Kyuhyun can affect me easily.
There's more, but you get the idea, right?
I get distracted easily, but when I'm alone again, and I hear songs that touch my heart then the whole cycle repeats again.

I hate it.
I hate being so weak.
I hate crying.
Irony, isn't it?
Considering how I cry easily.
But alas, I'm still human after all.

But really.
Can you blame me?
You left so many questions unanswered.
And when I tried to ask you, you chose to say that you forgot.
How convenient.
But I know you too well.
You always say one but mean another.
You yourself told me that.
Yes, I remember.
How could I not?
4 years all my life, and you were in my thoughts half the time; me trying to figure you out.
So many times I wondered to myself, what did I do wrong?
Why did you push me away?
Why did you do the things you did?
Please don't bloody tell me it's for my own  good, because those are just excuses.
I'm sick of everyone telling me, it's for my sake.
Because it bloody well isn't.
Are you blind to see how much pain I went through?
Oh wait, maybe you are.
I really~ don't know what you're thinking.
I picked up lying from him.
Haha.
The expert of lies.
I know that you hide things from me.
You can call me oversensitive, but yes I know.
But.. why?

 

I never had a say in anything.
I realise the whole problem was being so close.
I never wanted to get close to you.
I never wanted you to push me away.
I never meant for any of this to happen.
They say, things happen for a reason.
But wouldn't it be nice if the reason could be known for once?