sorry, it's been 2 weeks since i've been here?
heh. so sorry.
i've been so caught up with my fangirling.
anyway.
my enrolment package came last week, and i've just settle everything yesterday.
finally.
the financial matters are madly confusing man..
had my medical checkup at woodlands sata yesterday.
oh good gosh. hope i dont have to ever go for anymore checkups.
it's time-consuming and AWKWARD.
ugh.
thank god this time there isn't any blood taking or else i'm really gone case lol.
so enrolment stuff's settled.
yay.
ohhhhhh Bigbang's latest album, ALIVE was released on 29 feb!
ahhh i wanna buy but i dont have money..
sigh.
oh well.
they did mention they're gonna have a world tour, so i do hope they come singapore!
the first big show was yesterday night zomg.
looks so cool~
really excited if they come sg.
but i did observe that there's a distinct change in the boys.
i dont know if they're been too careful or not, because it seems to me that they're afraid that VIPs wouldn't support wholeheartedly and they're v v v prepared for critisisms.
ever since those incidents, Jiyong and Daesung looks really solemn.
gosh, watching the pictures of healing camp alone makes my heart go out to them.
it's like, watching people who are so bubbly become so reserved.
it's pretty painful to see that change so apparent.
Daesung, Jiyong, don't stop smiling alright! Whatever has happened can't be changed. What matters now is that you guys, along with the other members of Bigbang, look forward and stay strong yeah! Hwaiting! Saranghae!
sorry for that, been too much on tumblr and i really had to say that out hehe.
i'm just someone who feels and empathises too much.
sigh, i think it's a bad thing sometimes..
it's like getting over-involved.
ugh.
so yeah.
around a month plus left till school starts.
i'm scared and excited at the same time hehe.
but more of excitement.
it IS a new start after all.
hoping that i won't be so gullible as i was before..
have to be braver, stronger, and more independant.
i can't keep relying on others, can i?
life in secondary school has pretty much taught me that.
i've been wanting to go back to choir these few weeks.
but each time i decide to leave, i stop.
the first time i went back with yuwen, i stood in front to observe them.
at first, it was okay.
there were many sec 1s, so the choir looked pretty huge.
the sec 1s were generally alright.
although, personally, i dont like it.
for a simple reason, they didn't have my kind of drive.
that, i can't blame them, because they're not me lol.
with whome i was disappointed with though, were the seniors.
some are doing fine.
yet, the ones that i had confidence in though...
maybe i expected too much from them?
they have their own stress?
different management now?
i really dont know.
maybe the way i handled it was different.
sometimes i wonder if they actually learnt anything from me at all.
calling me a good senior out of courtesy isn't what matters to me.
you can call me mean by all means. i still dont care.
what i do care about is if they'd learnt anything.
sometimes i'd feedback to ms ong about their progress.
and each time she'd tell me to tell them myself.
i used to be able to do that.
but now...
i just cant.
it just doesn't feel right.
for one, the roles have been changed.
i may be a senior, but then again, i'm just a senior.
you see, it really isn't much of my business, because i'm just visiting.
sigh.
feeling so complicated.
i'm actually very hyped to perform with the other alumni seniors.
but when i think of the current choir, i just loose energy.
i dont know, i just cant describe what i really feel.
i even quarelled with my parents just to attend practice sometimes.
but for what, really?
they don't have the drive.
even with the grand 50th achievement day and cantare 4 coming up, i dont even feel any anticipation.
ah.
whatever.
sorry for all that ranting.
things at home haven't really been that sunny as well..
with my grandma being well, my grandma, it's been pretty trying.
hais.
and it doesnt help that my dad's been really moody for reasons.
i know he's worried about the financial stuff, but i've already settled it dad.
sometimes, he's so pessimistic that i really can't stand it.
my poly life hasn't even started and things are like that.
sigh.
gosh, i can't stand it.
i cant/dont want to argue because there is no use.
he's as stubborn as i am, the arguement would just be a bottomless pit.
which is why i've been fangirling so much.
i take comfort in watching bigbang because it's music related.
what's more, they're so talented.
maybe i'm biased, but it's a fact that they do produce more original songs than others.
they attract me because of talent, originality and personality.
i see myself in some of them so i do take comfort in that.
apparently, my dad thinks i'm going overboard.
a girl can dream, right?
so what's wrong with that?
what more, i've never been in love before.
is it wrong?
and then my dad mentions religion.
with him putting things that way, it's pretty obvious he's winning right?
then am i supposed to stay single all my life?
that's painful, dad.
i'm just a 16 year old girl, with big dreams, and hopes for the future?
is that all wrong?
yes, i know im supposed to be more religious; that logic i can understand.
but the way you put things, it's like you're cutting me off from so many things.
from choir to this?
i dont know what to think.
sometimes my mum ask me, do you blame me for giving birth to you? because you're mixed? because you're a muslim?
i'd sigh when i hear that.
no, i dont blame her.
i dont hate the fact that i'm a muslim.
in fact, i'm proud.
yet, being mixed..
i have more restrictions.
it always has been like this.
i dont belong anywhere.
i'm someone who hates being alone, but i've been living that way..
i dont really have a choice, do i?
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