just for today

it's been 3 months since my last post. funny how I keep telling myself to post and release a little of my anger and all my anger dispels just before I post. but not today.

just for today, I'll admit that I'm vulnerable.
just for today, I'll admit that I'm weak.
just for today, I'll be bad.

I have so many emotions that I honestly don't know where to start.

funny how I said that I'm over him on a post 2 years ago. of course. what lies.

I met up with the secondary school friends last week.

I'm sorry I can never say out what I really feel, because you're involved in it, and it's not fair to drag you into it because you're still friends with him. Anyway, I'm pretty sure you guys have an idea of what happened. I just don't want you to know from my mouth. because.. I don't know. it's not because I don't trust you guys, believe me, I do. I just can't bear saying out all the ugly thoughts that have been in my mind all these years.

and right now, i really don't know how to deal with it any more. I really cannot understand why I'm still holding on to nothing. my unnies said i don't try hard enough.

Unnies, believe me, I've tried.

to be very honest, my first reaction to your words were: YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

You don't know how it feels like to feel important to someone, only to be confused because there are so many mixed signals and eventually he decides to push you away without explaining why.

To be fair to you, I don't expect you to understand, because I was the one who went through it, not you. I wish I could delete away every single memory we had.

But I can't.

He's in our class. He's in my tuition class. He's practically EVERYWHERE.

How many times did his name casually pop up in our conversations?

And I can't even show that it affects me. Do you know how much it hurts? Each time his name is mentioned, I feel reality slapping me in the face.

Everyday I ask myself: When did I get so sad? I tried to find a beginning but I was already losing myself before I was even aware of it. I want to stop being so sad. I feel like a cloud, going around dampening the moods. 

I tried burying myself in work, but work gives me different kind of problems. I was fervently hoping this year wouldn't end up like last year's. 

엠 씨, you said you're not like her, but do you realise how much you're using me like she did?

I know that you probably weren't too happy with me because I was always late last year. You think I wouldn't know? Well, I do, and for your information, I really changed myself this year by trying to be on time and even being early sometimes. But you.. You are so unfair. There is another who comes later and more often than I did but you just shrug it off saying that she's like that. You don't even drill her like you do to me.

Of course, you don't drill me upfront. You attack me in a very passive aggressive way. Honestly, I wouldn't mind meeting if you planned them with objectives to cover. But you just insisted on me coming. Did you really just want me to appear to make you happy? Does it really satisfy you to make sure I appear? 

Forgive me for making these accusations, but I really can't help but feel that way. And I can't even object to anything because if I really do it'd end up like last year, and it'd become such a big issue that we can't even finish our project. 

So I force myself to calm down. I don't know when did I get so passive-aggressive, but trust me, it's so tiring. I try to suppress my emotions so much that I feel so suffocated. It really feels as though I can't breathe. The words are right at the tips of my tongue but I just can't let them out.

Probably you'd say now, why didn't you voice out when there was the formation of groups?

Because it was the current best choice. I couldn't afford to be selfish because too many people would be involved.

No, I'm not noble. I just went on with the hope that since we've worked together before, we would be okay. But of course, life isn't easy. I try to accommodate you as much as I can. Really. I know I'm not good in studies, so the best I can do is to contribute as much as I am able to. 

I'm sorry that I cannot reply to your "endearment calling" because it really isn't my style to be so "close" because I'd feel so hypocritical. I'm just trying to be true to my feelings in a cordial and subtle way. 

I'm sorry that I cannot empathise with you many times, because I don't have the same kind of experiences. I don't have a right to comment anything because I don't have a boyfriend so fine. 

Sometimes, I wonder, how do you say things just like that? Gosh, I've been hurt by your fucking insensitive words so many times. I pretend I'm okay, but seriously. I have pride too. You can't just assume that I'm okay with your comments just because I don't scold you back. 

I hate that I'm so fucking nice that it's even disgusting to me.

Why do I think for others so much?

Because it'd ruin the whole situation for everybody.

I wish I could just be all, fuck it all, but in reality, I can't. 

I keep telling myself, it's ust till next year. But I don't know if I could survive until then.  And then, I'd be out in the workforce and the fucking cycle would just repeat.

So many times I wish I could just stay away from civilisation. I'd rather just live in the hills, sitting on the grass, just gazing at the skies. But no. Of course NOT. Because this is reality. 

I can't be sweet, because I can't stand being fake. I'm not a liar, I can't lie to my own feelings. I can't be all, sweet and smiley with you if I'm uncomfortable with you. Yes, we'd be talking but I wouldn't be so sickeningly close to you. People like you are the kind of people that throw around sacred words like "I love you" too easily around. You say it for the sake of saying it, not because you actually mean it. I'm not one for mushy words, but I don't throw that kind of words around like that. I don't know about you, but to me, if you say words like that too often, it just loses it's meaning. 

I can't be bad either. I could swear while writing, but I can't really do so in speech thanks to my conscience. I wasn't brought up to swear. And I can't be all bitchy into people's face. I wish I could be like that.  I wish I could just express everything I feel without being afraid of feeling guilty for saying what I want to. 

I'm in a constant dilemma of what I am. To be honest, I really don't know what I am. I feel so tortured because of this bloody personality I have. 

Why do I have to be so fucking nice, and yet still suffer like this? Why do I torture myself like this?

I am seriously so screwed up.

I am losing sleep because of the war in my mind. I am constantly at war with myself, considering if I should be accommodating or actually be voicing out my opinions. 

Should I let my insecurities and demons cloud my mind, or should I try being positive again?

I really feel so suffocated.

I feel like I have many personalities. I am different with everyone. As people would say it, I am how you treat me. And of course, I have another personality while fangirling.

While many think that I'm really okay while fangirling, let me correct you. 

I laugh like a madwoman, because I'm trying to cover up my pain. 

Why should I let you see my pain, when you are only curious, and not concerned? Why should I let you see my vulnerable side and let you ridicule me? What right would you have? 

So I cover it up. 

I seem nonchalant, but everyday I'm fighting a war of my own. Just because I don't say anything or speak anything, it doesn't mean that I'm not thinking of anything. I just choose to keep quiet because I don't want to cause a war.

What's worse is that people always assume I'm angry just because I'm quiet and yet they can't detect when I actually am angry. Hilarious, isn't it? 

I just really.. give up on people. So don't blame me for being how I am.