still..

"Do you still like him?"
That was what my mum asked me just now.

Honestly.. I don't know.
Do I really miss him? Or do I miss my memories of him?
I'm really scared of meeting him because I know my resolve is weak. And I'll end up going to him.
It's not that he's really bad. I know he changed. It's just that I'm scared. .

I don't want to spend time figuring out what his gestures mean because everything is ambiguous.
I don't want to misunderstand his actions again because in the end I'll be the only one hurt.
I don't want to fall for his tricks again. I dont fall for words easily but with him I just really can't understand how easily I give in to him. It's crazy.

I try so hard not to think of you only go find out that I'm already thinking of you.
How are you? How is your family? Do you still play the guitar? Do you think of me?
I feel pathetic.
I can barely sleep because my thoughts would go to you
I dont know anymore, really. It hurts so much to think of you because the memories of us are so fresh in my head. Oh wait, there was no "us". Just me.
These days I just feel numb. I can't find excitement. That's why I drown myself in kpop. Hoping that I could drown in music. But what a bad choice. As I watch variety shows, I find traits of you in the idols I like.
As I try to avoid thoughts of you, you just appear in some way.
I'm tired of being like this... I need help but I don't even know what can help me anymore..