Thursday, October 6, 2016

un - important

Wow. It's been almost... 1.5 years since the last post????
Sorry, it's just that my anger/feelings dissipate really fast and by the time i actually type something out, I usually lose the feels to do so lol. Usually Dayre (check me out at: does the trick, but I had strong feelings to blog today.

Been so tired with work lately, and my mood has been all over the place too. It's probably due to my period that's prolly on it's way lol. (and prolly also because my birthday is in less than a week ugh)

21.. tbh, the reality hasn't really struck me yet. They say that 21 is the big step into adulthood, so you should have a grand celebration.

Perhaps it's due to the fact that I never really did throw a birthday party or so, but I honestly don't feel the hype about it. Another birthday, another year older.

My mum burst into laughter when she heard me saying that. "Why do you sound so.... olD?"
Well... I do have an old soul tho. Besides, parties aren't really my thing because crowds, and i don't have many close friends either. That sounds pathetic, but I won't have it any other way.

Yet, at the same time, this is a problem.

These friends have their own friends too. There's nothing wrong with that, but I feel like I've become the second option or something.

I don't have a desperate need to meet up every week, but how many appointments have we lost, because something cropped up.

I know things happen, and sometimes, it's really out of our control. But when the same damn thing happens so many times that even I've lost count.... I can't help but to listen to the devil talk me in to doubting your sincerity.

Do you know how much each hurts to be looking forward to something, only to be poured with ice water just minutes before? And the "i-told-you-so" look on my parents' faces when I tell them that once again, I got cancelled.

I understand family comes first. That goes without saying, because it's the same for me too.
I understand you love your job, and for your kind of job, it's inevitable that your work schedule changes at the most unfortunate of times.

But it takes effort. If you want to meet someone, you can maneuver your schedule as such.
I don't deny, you can object if you're feeling not up to it.
But then.. It's not just 1 outing. I don't know.... See, the devil is already messing with my head.

I remind myself that I have to be understanding to be a good friend. I'm no saint, but I try my best to accommodate you. Maybe it's because I don't pick a hissy fit that you take my acceptance for granted?

And so, I keep asking, when would be a good day?
In all honesty, even I am annoyed at how needy and pathetic I sound. I can't help but feel like I'm the only one who wants to meet and that I'm just bugging you.

But you know what's worse? It's hearing you tell me you aren't free and seeing you going out with your other friends?

Geez, I sound like some jealous girlfriend. I'm not. I just feel like because I'll always say "it's okay", I'll be swept away under the carpet. Am I not important enough? Feels like I'm always at the sidelines.

If you ever see this, I know you'll think that I don't understand your position.

I do, because if I didn't... I don't think we'd be able to stay friends for the past few years.

Just.. Ignore this. It's just the hormones.

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