heh. it's been like, 3 months since a proper blog post?
mianhae..
anyway.
honestly I'd been a wreck these few months. not like a crying mess but just a lot of emotional turmoil inside me. yes, I admit it's self inflicted but there's just too many things going on in my mind.
one too many times, he sneaks into my head.
I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I do this to myself..
I really want to be happy but every time I smile something holds me back. a happy memory with you comes a lot and there goes my smile.
some days, I'd be okay. I'd be able to not think about you. unless someone mentions you and my day goes downwards after. other days, I'd cry at night.
you'd probably think that the easiest option would be to confide in someone.
I tried.
but no one truly understands.
once I describe how he's like, good and bad, they would ask me, "Why would you like someone like him?"
how do I answer that?
With him, I don't even know what to call us. What was I to you? Was I even anything? Did I even matter? I don't know..
Especially people who know him; they would ask me that. probably because they saw how he treated me? I don't know. it was then that I realised I was the only one he showed his soft side.. that being said, I can't turn to my secondary school friends because they wouldn't be objective enough to listen.
I can't really turn to my poly friends too. some of them are attached, so they can't see things the way I do. The others have their own problems too.
The next person to approach Ms Jean. But even approaching her was difficult for me. I know I need help. But like I said, some days I'd feel okay to handle it, others I just.. I don't know.
At least I've always had my mum with me. But even then.. My mum knows everything. and yes I mean everything. she makes me confused. because sometimes I don't know who she supports me with. her answer would be: every guy would have their own points that I support. Geez. that helps. T-T which is why I don't want to turn to her because she keeps pushing me to other guys. If not, she suggests that I confess. aisht.. like that helps too.
I don't know if it's because I'm looking for someone who will say what I want to hear, because that is what it seems to me.
Think. Think. Think.
Think again.
Overthink. Over and over.
That's all I'd ever done. and I'm really tired.
That's why I turn to Kpop.
Immersing myself in music, hoping to find songs that can express what I wanted to.
Idolising someone, hoping that I'd be able to be like them or find someone like them.
Then comes my dream.
I've had a lot of dreams but all of them had disappeared once I hit sec 4, because instead of pursuing Arts Management, I got into Human Resources.
And yet with kpop, I've found my inspiration to do Artiste Management. You know, like be the manager of the idol groups. Or even be the backstage crew. Like for SBS, MBC or even Mnet.
My dream now is to study Artiste Management and hopefully be able to establish a career in Korea.
But somehow I can't seem to share my dream with others.
For a simple reason. Practicality.
I don't know if it's because my brain functions in such an abnormal way that people cannot see level with? Because I'm a dreamer?
I ever thought of even being a singer. but luckily I realised I wasn't made for the spotlight when I went for an audition. you can scroll down if you wish to read about it. I love the entertainment scene. so if I wasn't in the front line, being backstage is good too. I'm the secretary of VT and half the time I feel like I'm being a manager, checking that they go on to events on time, try to get gigs, see that they are doing okay in terms of musicality. Wouldn't you think that being a manager is at least more practical that that of being a singer? I do know where I stand.
But then also, there are people who comment on how I am, liking kpop, as if it's a sin.
Is it a sin to love music?
Kpop, Jpop, Mandopop, Country pop. It's all music, isn't it?
Should language separate what it is? Fangirling and music itself are 2 separate things. I just don't understand why are people so against kpop..
I've heard people tell me, "oh you faingirl too much, you should cut down on it. find a boyfriend" or "wow you like those pretty boys. they all look like sissies and they look the same" or even "ew you like that girl? that girl speaks plastic surgery."
I may sound a little overprotective regarding this issue, but who are YOU to comment how they are? we are all humans alike, right? so what's there to comment on? How would you like it if you were the one in their shoes? You're just trying to chase your dream of being a musician, but you have to be put down because of what the public thinks about appearances?
do you see how the world is like? it is so judgemental. no matter what you do, whether it concerns them or not, they will always comment. Even my dad comments..
I am honestly so sick of it.
I can't mope around.
I can't do what I want, loving music in my way.
I can't even chase my dreams.
I don't know how else I should be any more.
more often that not, I just wish to pack up and leave for somewhere quiet.
where I can be who I want to be.
where I can dream.
where I can lead a carefree life, just watching the sky pass.
I'm actually content and grateful for all that I have now, but I just want to be myself without having to adjust to what people feel is right.
Earlier on, I did a little research on what kind of a person I am.
Um, it turns out that I have 4 personality types..
oh what does psychology do to me..
1. INFJ - The Protector
2. INFP - The Idealist
3. ISFJ - The Nurturers
4. ISFP - The Artists
Whatever's in red is what is very true for me. I guess the reason why I would have 4 is due to social monitoring? But I feel that the closest to what I feel is my personality would be the first one, INFJ.
I've changed.
Last November I took this test too, and I was just a ISFJ.
and now..?
The Protector
As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.
INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.
INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.
INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.
But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress. [I cannot emphasize how true this line is. My body fails me whenever something happens.]
Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.
INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.
In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.
The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
Cr: http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
-
Another version would be this.
Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
by Joe ButtProfile: INFJ
Revision: 3.1
Date of Revision: 8 Aug 2010
Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.
INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.
"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.
INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.
Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.
Functional Analysis:
Introverted iNtuition
Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.
Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.
Introverted Thinking
The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.
Extraverted Sensing
INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.
Famous INFJs:
Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet
U.S. Presidents:
Martin Van Buren
James Earl "Jimmy" Carter
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley MacLaine (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jerry Seinfeld
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May
Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret HeissINFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.
INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.
Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).
This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.
Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. [This is so true. Look at what I'm doing now.] Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.
In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.
Copyright © 1996-2013 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt
Cr: http://www.typelogic.com/infj.html
-
I feel a need to know what I really am like, because I feel confused about whatever I feel. I feel that I'm constantly at war with myself because I can't decide what I want and feel.
I'm often with people but I always feel lonely and out of place. I really can't help it.
Have I been sad for so long that right now all that I feel is just numbness?
What happened to me? I feel that this is such a drastic change.. I wasn't even this full of negative energy in sec 3. Maybe I was already changing even then, just that the circumstances just shaped me to who I am today. I'm not even negative,
I'm just.. sad(?).
I just want to be
