do you hear the words that I don't say?

so.. hello :)
heh. it's been like, 3 months since a proper blog post?
mianhae..

anyway.
honestly I'd been a wreck these few months. not like a crying mess but just a lot of emotional turmoil inside me. yes, I admit it's self inflicted but there's just too many things going on in my mind.

one too many times, he sneaks into my head.
I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I do this to myself..
I really want to be happy but every time I smile something holds me back. a happy memory with you comes a lot and there goes my smile.
some days, I'd be okay. I'd be able to not think about you. unless someone mentions you and my day goes downwards after. other days, I'd cry at night.

you'd probably think that the easiest option would be to confide in someone.

I tried.

but no one truly understands.

once I describe how he's like, good and bad, they would ask me, "Why would you like someone like him?"

how do I answer that?

With him, I don't even know what to call us. What was I to you? Was I even anything? Did I even matter? I don't know..

Especially people who know him; they would ask me that. probably because they saw how he treated me? I don't know. it was then that I realised I was the only one he showed his soft side.. that being said, I can't turn to my secondary school friends because they wouldn't be objective enough to listen.

I can't really turn to my poly friends too. some of them are attached, so they can't see things the way I do. The others have their own problems too.

The next person to approach Ms Jean. But even approaching her was difficult for me. I know I need help. But like I said, some days I'd feel okay to handle it, others I just.. I don't know.

At least I've always had my mum with me. But even then.. My mum knows everything. and yes I mean everything. she makes me confused. because sometimes I don't know who she supports me with. her answer would be: every guy would have their own points that I support. Geez. that helps. T-T which is why I don't want to turn to her because she keeps pushing me to other guys. If not, she suggests that I confess. aisht.. like that helps too.

I don't know if it's because I'm looking for someone who will say what I want to hear, because that is what it seems to me.

Think. Think. Think.
Think again.
Overthink. Over and over.
That's all I'd ever done. and I'm really tired.

That's why I turn to Kpop.
Immersing myself in music, hoping to find songs that can express what I wanted to.
Idolising someone, hoping that I'd be able to be like them or find someone like them.

Then comes my dream.
I've had a lot of dreams but all of them had disappeared once I hit sec 4, because instead of pursuing Arts Management, I got into Human Resources.
And yet with kpop, I've found my inspiration to do Artiste Management. You know, like be the manager of the idol groups. Or even be the backstage crew. Like for SBS, MBC or even Mnet.
My dream now is to study Artiste Management and hopefully be able to establish a career in Korea.
But somehow I can't seem to share my dream with others.
For a simple reason. Practicality.
I don't know if it's because my brain functions in such an abnormal way that people cannot see level with? Because I'm a dreamer?

I ever thought of even being a singer. but luckily I realised I wasn't made for the spotlight when I went for an audition. you can scroll down if you wish to read about it. I love the entertainment scene. so if I wasn't in the front line, being backstage is good too. I'm the secretary of VT and half the time I feel like I'm being a manager, checking that they go on to events on time, try to get gigs, see that they are doing okay in terms of musicality. Wouldn't you think that being a manager is at least more practical that that of being a singer? I do know where I stand.

But then also, there are people who comment on how I am, liking kpop, as if it's a sin.

Is it a sin to love music?

Kpop, Jpop, Mandopop, Country pop. It's all music, isn't it?
Should language separate what it is? Fangirling and music itself are 2 separate things. I just don't understand why are people so against kpop..
I've heard people tell me, "oh you faingirl too much, you should cut down on it. find a boyfriend" or "wow you like those pretty boys. they all look like sissies and they look the same" or even "ew you like that girl? that girl speaks plastic surgery."

I may sound a little overprotective regarding this issue, but who are YOU to comment how they are? we are all humans alike, right? so what's there to comment on? How would you like it if you were the one in their shoes? You're just trying to chase your dream of being a musician, but you have to be put down because of what the public thinks about appearances?

do you see how the world is like? it is so judgemental. no matter what you do, whether it concerns them or not, they will always comment. Even my dad comments..

I am honestly so sick of it.
I can't mope around.
I can't do what I want, loving music in my way.
I can't even chase my dreams.
I don't know how else I should be any more.

more often that not, I just wish to pack up and leave for somewhere quiet.
where I can be who I want to be.
where I can dream.
where I can lead a carefree life, just watching the sky pass.

I'm actually content and grateful for all that I have now, but I just want to be myself without having to adjust to what people feel is right.

Earlier on, I did a little research on what kind of a person I am.
Um, it turns out that I have 4 personality types..
oh what does psychology do to me..

1. INFJ - The Protector

2. INFP - The Idealist 

3. ISFJ - The Nurturers

4. ISFP - The Artists

Whatever's in red is what is very true for me. I guess the reason why I would have 4 is due to social monitoring? But I feel that the closest to what I feel is my personality would be the first one, INFJ.

I've changed.
Last November I took this test too, and I was just a ISFJ.
and now..?

The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress. [I cannot emphasize how true this line is. My body fails me whenever something happens.]

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.
Cr: http://www.personalitypage.com/INFJ.html
-

Another version would be this.

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging 

by Joe Butt
Profile: INFJ
Revision: 3.1
Date of Revision: 8 Aug 2010

Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.

INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition
Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling
Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking
The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing
INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

Famous INFJs:
Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet
U.S. Presidents:
Martin Van Buren
James Earl "Jimmy" Carter
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley MacLaine (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jerry Seinfeld
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May

Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging

by Marina Margaret Heiss
INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. [This is so true. Look at what I'm doing now.] Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Copyright © 1996-2013 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt
Cr: http://www.typelogic.com/infj.html
-

I feel a need to know what I really am like, because I feel confused about whatever I feel. I feel that I'm constantly at war with myself because I can't decide what I want and feel.

I'm often with people but I always feel lonely and out of place. I really can't help it.
Have I been sad for so long that right now all that I feel is just numbness? 
What happened to me? I feel that this is such a drastic change.. I wasn't even this full of negative energy in sec 3. Maybe I was already changing even then, just that the circumstances just shaped me to who I am today. I'm not even negative,
I'm just.. sad(?).

I just want to be okay happy.

can you hear me

I feel so overwhelmed with everything

I wish time could stop my results are like crap

cca is taking so much of my time

I’m so tired

I don’t even know if it’s worth it being there so much 

I want to be away from people 

everywhere I go it’s filled with people and it’s so noisy

 I’m filled to my head with all the projects

 and my body is breaking down

I feel so suffocated

 It’s like every one and every thing is sitting on me

 snatching every ounce of air that I’m trying to breathe in

 I just want to sit down, rest and enjoy peace

 I really don’t know what to do

help

falling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What is it that you express in your eyes? It seems to be more than all the words I have read in my life. — Walt Whitman

 

People think I’m lying about being hurt because they see me laughing. Little do they know I laugh to keep myself from crying.

 

 

Unfortunately, we believe the liars, trust the backstabbers, and like the heartbreakers.

 

 

 

 

 

I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them.

— Uma Thurman

 

 

 

 

I tried to tell the sea
how much she meant to me,
and in return she swelled
and well
she took my breath away.

 

 

 

 

 

 

too much

Annyeong yeoreobun!

I shall update properly today!
So far it's been songs and I've been keeping too much inside me.

But first and foremost,
Happy Valentines Day! ^^

 

 

 

 

I hope you feel the love hehe.

So anyway.
Back to topic.
Yesterday, I was having a H2H talk with a friend.
And I ended up talking about the past.
... Again.
The feelings that I tried so hard to chuck one side for the past year just came back so easily.
Maybe I am not that strong at all..?
I don't know.
I won't lie, he creeps into my mind now and then.
The worst part is, I can't keep him out at all.
Whenever I think about it, it just hurts so much.
It hurts so much that it stuns me to silence.
So I poured my heart out to this friend yesterday, something I haven't done in quite awhile.
Starting from the beginning.
It's so easy to remember the good, but the same applies to the worst..
나는 진짜 바보 니까..

Sometimes, I'd read back my old posts..
Something stupid I guess.
I guess you can call me a sadist, because I'd relieve the moment.
Good or bad.
2009 was really my turning year.
People who know me now would probably think that I'm sarcastic, mean, cold and even unfeeling.
But people who have known me beforehand would be able to tell that I had a 360 change.
I used to be meek, really really cheerful and all.
I guess, if you read my older posts, you'd be able to tell how I used to be.
I'll say this: I'll probably never be able to forget him.
Until the one comes along I guess.
Because honestly, whenever people ask me, "Nina, what's your story?" these days, the first person I thought of was him.
For someone who gave me so much to remember, he gave me much pain as well.
Too much, in fact.

I remember confidently saying that I was over him then.
Of course, what a liar I was.
My best friends would say that they believe me, but I know that they don't.
I guess you can say that I was too much of an open book.
Nonetheless, I still tried to hide my feelings.
As obvious as it was, the only person I managed to hide from was him.
Maybe also because he was the one who doesn't know or as I'd like to think, the one who pretended he doesn't know.

The songs that I listen to these days don't help too...
I was a sentimental person to begin with.
As unbelievable as it can be, yes, I actually cry easily.
Lyrics, the singer's voice tone and the memories.
Yes, even the singer's tone affects me.
Voices like Kyuhyun can affect me easily.
There's more, but you get the idea, right?
I get distracted easily, but when I'm alone again, and I hear songs that touch my heart then the whole cycle repeats again.

I hate it.
I hate being so weak.
I hate crying.
Irony, isn't it?
Considering how I cry easily.
But alas, I'm still human after all.

But really.
Can you blame me?
You left so many questions unanswered.
And when I tried to ask you, you chose to say that you forgot.
How convenient.
But I know you too well.
You always say one but mean another.
You yourself told me that.
Yes, I remember.
How could I not?
4 years all my life, and you were in my thoughts half the time; me trying to figure you out.
So many times I wondered to myself, what did I do wrong?
Why did you push me away?
Why did you do the things you did?
Please don't bloody tell me it's for my own  good, because those are just excuses.
I'm sick of everyone telling me, it's for my sake.
Because it bloody well isn't.
Are you blind to see how much pain I went through?
Oh wait, maybe you are.
I really~ don't know what you're thinking.
I picked up lying from him.
Haha.
The expert of lies.
I know that you hide things from me.
You can call me oversensitive, but yes I know.
But.. why?

 

I never had a say in anything.
I realise the whole problem was being so close.
I never wanted to get close to you.
I never wanted you to push me away.
I never meant for any of this to happen.
They say, things happen for a reason.
But wouldn't it be nice if the reason could be known for once?

don't forget me, i beg

Lately, I've been listening to Demi Lovato A LOT.
lots of feeling-relating thingy. sigh.
finally, o levels are gonna end next tuesday!
OMG I CAN'T WAIT LA.
after that, there's prom!
Teehee.
Pretty much prepared already (OKAY I KNOW I'M KIASU).
Played with make-up today.
Tiring.
hate the removal part because it's so troublesome!
hehe played with my hair too!
now my hair's HALF set and HALF straight coz my mum was lazy to continue.
it's pretty in a mess now.
but i like it.
>:)
I'm gonna have curly hair!
:DDDDDD
so happy lol.
ahhhhhhh wait.
gotta tone down.
os not finished yet.
soon, soon.

anyway.
been looking at older posts too.
just realised i'm really a horrible nerd.
seems i just can't escape from studying eh.
I see the word "study" so many times-it's really unbelievable.
seriously.
it's kinda painful reading them anyway.
so much has changed within these 2 years.
friends have changed.
or was it me?
i dont know, really.
some, we've grown really distant even though we're so close.
others, we've been so far apart, and yet when we start talking it's as if nothing changed. which is pretty true.
but it's quite sad, thinking of it.
grr, what makes it worse is how i wrote all of it down.
it's all so vivid.
i can visualise it as if it was just yesterday.
i'm sorry, i just can't continue anymore.

don't forget me, i beg.

i remember, you said,

"nevermind, i'll find someone like you."

I wish nothing but the best, for you too.

dont forget me, i beg.

i remember, you said,

"sometimes, it lasts in love, but sometimes, it hurts instead."

SCREAM

Feel the breeze in the air and scream.

Hello hello hello :)

Today, got back remaining results.

First period, Geog.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Ms Cheng is WEIRD.

She's one teacher that doesn't want to give us marks.

DAMN. -.-

At least I think I did okay.

SS

Was saved the heart attack.

Barely passed, but still :)

At least, my average mark for Combined Humanities will be pulled up, thanks to elec.

PHEW.

Chem

Mrs Chua never come.

Awwwww man.

We were pretty much pressurising the teacher that came in.

Ha ha ha.

^^

Anyhoo, 100% PASSES FOR 3E4.

YESSAH :)

Was pretty dazed throughout the whole lesson due to the marks.

ALAS, i found careless mistakes.

What a schmuck I am. ._.

Right.

MT

THE GREATEST IRONY.

=.=

I cant believe I actually FAILED paper 2.

ZOMG !

ARGH ARGH ARGH.

But thanks to my compo, I got an okay grade.

Coz, I topped for paper 1.

Me: Good news or bad news first?

Mum: Bad

Me: I failed paper 2 for Chinese.

Mum: Then you fail overall ah?

Me: No, its part of the good news. Good news, I topped paper 1. So when avg out at least B.

Mum: How you fail one?

Me: Dont know la.

Mum: You sot one leh, paper 2 fail, but paper 1 like .. .

Irony, irony. -.-

Zzzz.

Emaths

Paper 1, was quite okay, but again, got careless mistakes.

ARGH, and that's still NOT the worst part YET !

For the papers ONLY, I can get A1, but after combining with daily work, my marks dropped to A2!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Damn damn damn.

*mustworkhardfordailyworkkkkkk*

DANG.

I think I can murder myself already.

KNIFE PLEASE. -.-

I HAVE to STOP making CARELESS mistakes for ANY subjects.

It's getting IRRITATING.
I want to scream somewhere, where no one can say a shit about it.

BAH.

Thought of the day ;

I'm feeling so lost.

So sick

Hello people.
Wanted to do a proper post, but I dont have time.

I'm so sick of homework.
I'm so sick of doing things fast.
I'm so sick of rushing.
I'm so sick of doing things things that matter.
I'm so sick of it all.

All I want, is to take off and go somewhere.
Or maybe, just fall into a deep slumber, and not wake up from my dreams.
Why.
Why is time never on our side?
Time, why must you go so fast?

And, this is the first time I'm so close to crying for AMATHS.

P/s. Will reply tags another day.
Thanks for tagging, people. :)
I really appreciate it.

That was the day I'd promised I'd never sing of love,

If it does not exist.

Sorry !

Harlow people! :D
After seeing Yuwen's tags, I feel SUPER-DE-DUPER happy uhh.
WOMAN, I MISS YOU ! :D
Yeahhhh.
So let's start from SATURDAY !

Yesyes.
Saturday
Tuition was cancelled, so Daddy brought the family out for a breather. (:
Ineededit.
Then, went to Changi area.
Went to Changi Village.
There was a flea market there, and I saw The Lucky One ; Nicholas Sparks selling at $11 !
Frantic, I was like, pleading my dad to buy it. :D
And I succeeded. :))
Yay.
You know, if you buy it at like, Popular or Times, it's at like, $17.12.
:D
SUPER big discount lah cans. ;D
Yeah, then bought stuff to breakfast.
Then went to the nearby Changi Beach.
Lots of planes coming back.
*louddddd*
Which reminded me of Yuwen. D:
(And she's coming back tmr later!)
*triple yays*
Yeah, anyway, the sunset was LOVELY. :))

Sunday
Woke up real early, went Geylang Serai area.
Woo, there alot of people sia.
I keep getting headache. (-.-)
Oh yes, if you do get the chance to go the Geylang Pasar, do try out the Geylang CHENDOL.
It's fantabulousssss ~
Damn nice, though there's a pretty strong taste of egg.
(Dont know why eh.)
Yeah, bought my baju kurong too.
Sky Blue this year. :D
Then, left there early, and went Changi Beach (again, i know) .
It was like, around 4 + only mah.
And the weather was like, not too hot, so we went to rest there in the car. :D
And me, over here, ended up sleeping, and using the baju kurongs as a pillow.
HEH.
Comfortable EH! :))
(No, NO saliva. :) )
Also, the windows were winded down, so like, there's the breeze.
And I slept throughout the way home. :p
Wahahhaha ~

Monday
Had Choir.
Sectionals was ..
Coz there was like, only, erm, a handful of people.
Enough to squeeze in to ONE row only.
Yes.
That's how it is.
Ms Ang wanted us to practice on Voice Projection, so we did 2by2 and then solo.
Sabrina was like, getting us to do warm-ups loudly. :)
Then Bryan said with me & Amandaaaa, we could win an award. :B
That's just how loud we were.
HEH.
And the solo part was ..
Aheheh.
I need to work on my voice, get it rounderrrrrr.
:B
Yeah, thn had combine.
Well, things get better, dont they?

Today
Basically, I BARELY did homework.
But hey, I did finish like, 2and a half.
HEH.
Needa chiong ~
And, yay, Twinnie's back tmr! :DD
Miss her alot alot.
It's been too quiet without her. :B
Yeaps.

Tag Replies!
Yuwen (3Sept) - I already miss you like ...
Wilson (4Sept) - Hey. :) Thanks.
Xavier (4Sept) - Uhhuh, what's with it? o.o
Arina (6Sept) - Yeahyeah! :D Thankyous! :))
Traveller (6Sept) - Uh, okay?
Siying (6Sept) - Yeaps, okay. :)
Arina (7Sept) - Thanks! :) Do SMILE! The world looks brighter when you do. :)
Nicole (7Sept) - D: Miss you like mad alr lahhh. :B
Wilson (8Sept) - Yesh, updated..
Yuwen (8Sept) - Really? :) I love you like MAD too! Bleahs, you come back can liao LAH. :)

Yeahyeah, that's all for now! :)
Buhbye~

You said you understand how I feel, but do you really?
If you did, you wouldn't have mentioned about that.
You want to know what I held myself back?
There are really manymany reasons why.
But, one that I can say was, there is another.
I said I'd gotten over him.
But the truth is, I dont think I am.
So.
That's something that has been in my heart for a really long time.

That, I dont really want to take it out.
YESH.
So.
We can be on talking terms, yet, I'll have to admit, it's gonna be real hard to be like last time.

An updateeeee ~

Hey people! :D
Woooo.
Blogger's back to norm!
Thanks Irahhhhhh ! :D
YESSAH.

IMGONNAMISSFONGYUWEN.

Jeez.
Pangseh uhs! -.-
:x
Anyway, enjoy yourself uh!
Go there relax + shop till you dropppppp! XD

Hmm, these few days.
Have been pretty hectic..
Lots of confirmations for marks, pep talk about streaming, some choir situations.
*breaks out in cold sweat*
Bleah.
Cant the days go slower..?
Irritating.
Plus streaming.
AH.
*silent screams*

Crap lahs.
Tmr PTM.
D:
i dont know, Mr Cheak says whole class avg quite good, but I dont know sia.
GAH.
Shucks, I'm becoming more paranoid. -.-
Shit, need catch up ASAP.

Yeaps, another song to intro.
This one, DAMN DAMN nice. :D
Veh emo arh, but...
:)
Still nice. :D
Really.
Though, when you see the youtube vids, or even the picos of Aly&Aj for this song, it's VAMPIRSH.
:D
Hehehs.
But still, it's not of the picos.
It's of the QUALITY.

Tears ; Aly & AJ

Big tears fall down like puddles

When something cuts it bleeds

Big storms leave towns in rubbles

Shores just recedes

Take some time to secure

A stream of water to occur

But crying is a way to know

Your tears are how you learn and grow

So better off to let it flow

Stains on cheeks will come to know

Heartaches and hopes for healing

Through the raining of your tears

You'll learn the pain you're feeling

(ooohhhhhhh)

Take some time to secure

A steam of water to occur

But crying is a way to know

Your tears are how you learn and grow

So better off to let it flow

Stains on cheeks will come to know

Tears [7x]

Tears [7x]

There may not be more than one of you

Appearing to be by your side

But if the ones you still love are here

To fight against time

Take some time to secure

A stream of water to occur

But crying is a way to know

Your tears are how you learn and grow

So better off to let it flow

Stains on cheeks will come to know

Tears [7x]

Tears [7x]

At the end of the day, it's not about the volume.

It's about the Quality AND effort.

[GOSH, I'm beginning to sound like Mr Cheak. -.- ]

" To accomplish great things, we must dream AS WELL as ACT. "

- Anatole France

" There can be no rainbow without a cloud and a storm. "

- John H. Vincent

" HOPE is the thing with feathers

That perches on the soul

And sings the tune - without the words

And never stops at all. "

- Emily Dickinson

Lost somewhere.

Hey there. :)


HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALFIAH & ALPHEUS !
:)
Be happy, and may all your dreams come true~


Yeah.
Today was.
Okay..?
Gave Alfiah ALOT of surprises right. :))

Anyway.
After school.
Lunched with Sabrina, Alfiah, YT, Shahirah & twinnn.
Then Sab went home, coz she was sick.
Get well soon yeah! :D
Said bye to YT & Shahirah, thn the 3 of us went to change into Choir.
Choir started with combine. :)
Learnt What Do You See ; Electrico.
Hmm, seems we're singing What Do You See and My Island Home.
Weewoots.
Then had sectionals.
Bah.
-No Comments-
Aft choir, it was only like, 5plus.
So me&twin went canteen to slack and to wait for YT. :))



AND THEN AH .

I realised my pen was with Cheryl.
Hohoho.
Then me&twin dashed up.
Heng ah.
They just closing up only.
Who knew, there was actually comm meeting.
Hehehs.
Just in time.
Yeah, discussed some issues and ideas here and there.
Then went back down.
Apparently, Someone pangseh-ed me ah.
(-.-)
Hurhurs.
Waited for YT, then walked to the bus stop, and me went home. :))

Tagreplies !
Yuwen [27.07] - LOL.
Sabrina [27.07] - I know that. But.. You know, even the strongest people FALL. You and your codes lah HAH.
Xueqi [28.07] - Hahahs! *sheepish*
Ibc [28.07] - Yeah, but I dont like typing games. Hoho.
Yuwen:[28.07] - :))
Dion [30.07] - Oh, SHUDDAP LAH.
Alfiah [31.07] - Hurhur. When I become your les partner HAH. (._.)"

Sometimes, I really dont know what I, myself, want.
I have to, but inside, I can't really bring myself to do it.
It really gets that hard.
But I've got to.
I can't keep hoping anymore.
What's the point if he's like this?

As what the song Over It by Katharine McPhee...
" I'm (trying to be) over your lies, I'm (trying to be) over your games. "
How did all this happen?
I really dont know.

Jerk.

Hi people.
Sorry, longlong time nvr post.
Let's start from Friday.
FRIDAY
Let's just skip to after school.
Choir
*sigh*
Why is it so slacky?

You know, there's this Japanese show about a robot boyf thing?
I was watching the last episode that night.
The ending's really touching.
And I ended up crying.
And I couldn't stop.

SATURDAY
Tuition-ed.
Got quite pissed along the way..
Went home.
Did Art.

SUNDAY
I ended up finishing the whole art thing by Sunday 2am.
Cool eh.

TODAY
Pissed.
Really pissed.
Now, I mean.
Nothing much happened.
Apparently, Mrs Chew was in a pretty good mood, so cracked some jokes around.
I gotta admit, she's a pretty nice person.
Geez, did I just say she was nice?
Oh well.
Hehehs.


I'm still pissed.
Fine, so. stay. away. from. me.
I haven't been this pissed before.
So thankyou very much.

Ugh.
I feel disgusted.
Ugh.
I feel like I've just been slapped.
Ugh.
I feel like strangling someone.
Ugh.
I have a sickening headache.
Ugh.
I haven't cried like, really cry, in quite a while.

Just so you know, yes, I was crying.
And I havent the slightest idea why I'm crying over a jerk.
I've never felt so disappointed and fed up before.
You really put me off.
Thankyou, champion.
You're an idiot, you know that?

So you think I'm that sort of person who tells on people's secrets.
So you think I'm that sort of person who takes revenge.
So much for being a good friend to you, seriously.

Ha.
It's so downright hilarious.
You think I'll try to break you up.
WHY. THE. HELL WOULD. I. WANT. TO.
Fine, you think I'm that sort of person.
Hey, seriously, just SHUT THE HELL UP CAN.
It's not her fault, I said it before.
Crap.
Am I not obvious alr.
So i'm not a good friend to you.
Fine.
Please.
You make me haywire.
I can stay away from them, but I just want to know why.
I. CAN. NOT. UNDERSTAND. WHY. YOU'RE. DOING. THIS.
Neither can I understand why you want me to know last.

There's no valid reason anymore.
There's no sense anymore.
What are you really thinking, I dont know.
Why are you doing this to me, I also dont know.
I never wanted to get close to you, you know.

Why the hell would I want to.
Yet it happened.
YOU allowed it to happen.
It's also my choice whether I want to be vulgar anot.
It was never your business TO BEGIN WITH.
It's also my choice to choose who's my friends.
Not you.
It was never ever you.

Why the hell are you trying to control me now?
Haven't you got her to control?
Why do want to know who I like so much?
Why the heck doesn it matter so much?
You wouldn't even believe me if I said it.
Why are you being so difficult with me?

Oh.
I forgot.
I dont even mean a single thing to you.
Not even near a friend.
I. Hate. You.
You may not know me, but those who do will know I rarely use the word hate.
And this time.
I really do.
You make me really effing irritated.

Why?
Why are you doing this to me?
I'm so sick.
I hate this part, right here.
BACK OFF.

I really have had ENOUGH.
Enough is ENOUGH.
I dont believe you anymore.
I'm sick and tired of trying to make out what the heck you're thinking.
I'm also sick of trying to save this friendship.

Remember this.
YOU made the choice of letting it go.
Not me.
Dont ever regret your decision.

Can I say I hate you?

Hey people.
Damn, blogger's still being weird. (-.-)
Irritating.

Anyway.
Dailies, dailies. :)

YESTERDAY
Lit
YAY.
Skipped sehs. :))
We had this survey, and so it took quite sometime.
Okay, maybe..
We purposely, but geez, by the time we finished the survey we only had 10min left anyway.
Oh and, it was raining heavily.
And when I say heavily, it's really VERY VERY heavy.
PE
Rain-ed, so we went gym.
Did the backbone thingy.
Hmm, that machine doesn't train the backbone, but it trains the lower part of the muscles, somewhere near the spinal cord.
Hoho, I like that machine.
Dont ask me why.
^^
Then, went treadmill to run.
Hurhur, Sab went first.
She kept wanting to add the speed aye.
Then, she got tired, and we switched.
Hoho, I ran at a slower pace, but I ran longer.
:D
Yay.
I've got better stamina, but my speed still sucks ahh. ;B
Maths
Learnt Set Notation.
Dang, I can't exactly get it.
(-.-)
Recess
Stayed in class.
Hehehs, thn Qi&Wen came up to pei me.
(;
LOVES!
Hey, even YT came up earlier okay.
*smiles*
Yeah, kinda emo-ed.
It was a nice weather after all.
:))
Science
I dont know how much more disgusting this lesson can get. (-.-)
Geog
Blah.
English
Reader's Digest.

Choir
Yay.
(:

TODAY
Longggggggg honoring ceremony~
I dont want to elaborate anymore.

Tag Replies.
Yuwen: LOL.
Wilson: SHUDDAP.
Sam: I'm not his owner. He's my ah gong. Oh well.
Yuwen: Hohos, thanks for the spam.
Alfiah: Hey Alfiah. Thanks for the spam. :)


I dont feel good.
Please dont ask me if I'm okay.
I dont need that.
I know I'm not.
So yes.
I dont know who I am anymore.
I dont want to care.
I dont want to bother.
It's none of my business already.

See, no one believes me.
AGAIN.
For all that I've said, no one believes it.
See, no one knows me that well.
Sometimes, I need a friend.
And you cant take that away from me.
Idc if you do, really, I dont.


Oh.
Can I say I hate you?
Seriously.
Oh well.
Thanks ALOT.
For being a good friend.
Seriously, what the hell are you thinking?
You got a problem with me?
What the hell do you want from me?
Really, thanks ALOT.



Just so you know, It's MY choice.
And whatever I do, it's NOT your business.
BACKOFF.
I'm not a little girl who needs to be told what to do.
This is MY life.
Just hush.



I think I'm really Fortune's Fool.
Fate always plays with me.
Nothing seems to go well for long-term.
Something is ALWAYS bound to happen.
Everything is just slipping through my fingers like sand.
Damnit.
Someone, help?
It's not long before I snap.



I. Am. Really. Pissed.
"Life sucks, and then we die."
-Breaking Dawn.